[And then the emotional equivalent of slapping all those feelings in the back of the head and telling himself to cut it out, fading to just a bittersweet acceptance]
But I'm planning to make myse-- ah!
[PANIC! FUCK! Those miserable intrusive emotions are something he's so used to tripping over and pushing down on instinct that it takes him a minute to realise ANANKE FELT MY BAD FEELINGS OH NO!!!!!!!]
[ There's definitely a spike of surprise at the surge of negativity, but it fades into mild concern and slightly less mild confusion once Yata puts those feelings back in the metaphorical pit.
It's the following flare of panic from the kid that really gets to him. He reaches for Yata at the same time his concern flares, projecting a general desire to comfort and soothe ]
Oye, oye, don't freak out! Are you sure you're okay?
[ lays his hands on Yata's shoulders and moves directly into his field of vision, leaning down enough to be at eye level with him. His concern is HIGH, but other feelings like sympathy, understanding, even a sense of familiarity are creeping in alongside it. ]
You really shouldn't try to lie without a bracelet on, kiddo. But seriously, it's okay. I'm not gonna get upset with you over your own feelings.
[He's not exactly trying to lie. He knows now matter what he says he's been Seen, and he hates that. Yata wants to keep pretending and just be seen as a nice normal boy, even if everyone here has been kind about the monster he is, even when he trusts that Ananke is genuine, he's upset about fucking up. There's no putting that back in the bottle. Ananke is very kind and very patient and it is helping him calm a little bit, but nothing abates the intense loathing of what he is and why can't he be normal for five god damn minutes.
He's also admonishing himself for being such a mess when he was going to try and cheer Ananke up and distract him after talking about his own bittersweet crush feelings THIS ISN'T CUTE DISTRACTING AT ALL]
I know, I know. It was just a dumb thought, this is silly.
[ There's an assuredness behind that statement; it's fact as far as Ananke's concerned. He doesn't quite understand what's going on, but it's plain to see that his friend is upset and he wants to fix it. He's trying (and failing) to dial back on his concern, mustering up a greater sense of confidence to try to ground himself and Yata by extension ]
It can be scary, but not silly or stupid. —And you're right, it was a thought. And you left it behind, right? You didn't even need me to call it out.
[clinging onto this sense of acceptance and relief]
Right? I'm way too sweet and cute for anything so scary, I only want to do fun things~
[while there is unwavering conviction in his own cuteness, there's still the sense over the bond that Yata isn't fully sincere in what he's saying. He wants it to be true. But he knows no amount of cuteness can save him from the horrors.
BUT NEVER MIND ALL THAT ANANKE TELL ME I'M CUTE AND GOOD]
[ There's an echoing sense of rejection and something like...discomfort? alarm?? from both Ananke and Scarab, with threads of conflicting, almost guilty approval interspersed, though it's difficult to pick out exactly who's feeling which of those. ]
They...conquered Scarab's planet eons ago. His species weren't weapons back then; just a hivemind made up of insanely powerful aliens. But The Reach found them and used genetic engineering to get to a point where they could program them to use for whatever they wanted. It's...
[ Trails off momentarily and sits forward, shoulders hunched uneasily. Scarab's emotions have settled into an uneasy calm, expectant in a way. Ananke's however are roiling with heavy guilt, uncertainty, and a rare sense of selfishness. Saying it all out loud like this, he can't help feeling that he should want to undo everything The Reach have done. This is just one planet; what atrocities have they committed elsewhere?
And yet ]
...I...don't want to undo Scarab. Wishing away everything The Reach have ever done means he might not even be born. Would I even get to remember him if that happened?
[ Pay close enough attention, and Charon might catch the spike of fear and loss Ananke feels just thinking about it. There may be a thousand million other reasons that undoing the actions of a race of overlords that have been in galactic politics for 10,000 years might be a little problematic, but his priorities have to start somewhere ]
[since they're sitting together by the pond, he just leans like a big cat instead of reaching to touch Ananke's shoulder. pressure, solidity, reassurance, sympathy.
he's worried about them. he's proud of them. that's a big decision to make, whether one is a high school student or an ancient little sentient war machine.]
So don't. If you don't want him to leave, then hold on to him. There are a hundred ways to get what you want here, without subjecting yourself to that sort of loss.
It's a big wish. I'll do everything I can to help you fulfill it -- I know the rest of Lily would, too.
[ he leans back against Charon with a faint smile that spreads once he's heard that assurance. the sense of guilt lingers but the uncertainty fades, replaced with gratitude and a cautious determination ]
I knew you would, but it's good to hear you say it out loud.
[ The feeling is also warm and fuzzy. He's known this since Charon's dedication to Lily was slammed into his brain back during Percyquest, but the verbal reminder pulls a swell of fondness out of him; the feeling of being secure and safe, comforted, and of wanting to return those feelings ]
I've worried it isn't enough. With all the departures, and the Lady Demon so casually breaking and changing our connections. It's been a little easier again lately, though.
[ His expression sobers a little, and there's a glimmer of something uncomfortable and aching lurking beneath the surface. A few more concrete flickers of resignation and acceptance and a worry that feels more suited to Scarab than a regular teen rise to the surface ]
It's...been bad for a while. Not just 'cause of her and the, uh, "departures". It hasn't been that long since the wolf attack, or even since Pandora. ...but all that stuff happened to you too. You and Lethe have been dealing with so much, and there's barely enough time in between everything happening to actually recover.
[ Takes a breath. The uncomfortable ache sinks out of reach again, and his default steady calm begins to emerge again, a few faint notes of hope threading through it ]
So...I dunno. I appreciate everything you and Lethe do. I know it's your best, and you're right anyway. It has been a little better lately. Aside from Acheron, the past couple of days have been decent. Even this ritual's been good for getting my mind off of things.
[a soft chuckle, rueful and wry, glad for the support and sympathy, a little nostalgic]
It's easier when it feels like you're doing something to help in a quiet moment instead of scrambling over being jerked around over and over, isn't it?
You weren't here when . . . I didn't trust Lily enough to rely properly on most of them, in the beginning. I got a lot of talking-to, over that, but it also became clear I was exacerbating that exact problem if I kept doing that. Because we'd all take the consequences, on top of what this place does to us all, and they wouldn't even know why.
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Day 69; emotionshare ritual
Yata: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
No one can match that guy. But it's fine. Mute's happy, and Rubato's a good guy, so I won't mind getting over this one.
[ His emotions do seem to reflect that; a little bittersweet, but there's warmth and approval overlaying it ]
Now what about you? Got any secret crushes? Or maybe future goals will be easier for you to talk about.
1/2
[furiousjealoushopelesslongingmurderous--]
Re: Yata: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
But I'm planning to make myse-- ah!
[PANIC! FUCK! Those miserable intrusive emotions are something he's so used to tripping over and pushing down on instinct that it takes him a minute to realise ANANKE FELT MY BAD FEELINGS OH NO!!!!!!!]
Re: Yata: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
It's the following flare of panic from the kid that really gets to him. He reaches for Yata at the same time his concern flares, projecting a general desire to comfort and soothe ]
Oye, oye, don't freak out! Are you sure you're okay?
Re: Yata: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
Oh yeah I'm fine don't worry about it.
Re: Yata: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
You really shouldn't try to lie without a bracelet on, kiddo. But seriously, it's okay. I'm not gonna get upset with you over your own feelings.
Re: Yata: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
He's also admonishing himself for being such a mess when he was going to try and cheer Ananke up and distract him after talking about his own bittersweet crush feelings THIS ISN'T CUTE DISTRACTING AT ALL]
I know, I know. It was just a dumb thought, this is silly.
Re: Yata: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
[ There's an assuredness behind that statement; it's fact as far as Ananke's concerned. He doesn't quite understand what's going on, but it's plain to see that his friend is upset and he wants to fix it. He's trying (and failing) to dial back on his concern, mustering up a greater sense of confidence to try to ground himself and Yata by extension ]
It can be scary, but not silly or stupid. —And you're right, it was a thought. And you left it behind, right? You didn't even need me to call it out.
Re: Yata: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
Re: Yata: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
Re: Yata: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
Right? I'm way too sweet and cute for anything so scary, I only want to do fun things~
[while there is unwavering conviction in his own cuteness, there's still the sense over the bond that Yata isn't fully sincere in what he's saying. He wants it to be true. But he knows no amount of cuteness can save him from the horrors.
BUT NEVER MIND ALL THAT ANANKE TELL ME I'M CUTE AND GOOD]
Re: Yata: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
[ Reaches over to ruffle Yata's hair even though there's concern and doubt echoing his words; heavier on the concern ]
... Y'know, even I've wanted to do some scary stuff before.
Charon: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
—Definitely not.
[ There's an echoing sense of rejection and something like...discomfort? alarm?? from both Ananke and Scarab, with threads of conflicting, almost guilty approval interspersed, though it's difficult to pick out exactly who's feeling which of those. ]
They...conquered Scarab's planet eons ago. His species weren't weapons back then; just a hivemind made up of insanely powerful aliens. But The Reach found them and used genetic engineering to get to a point where they could program them to use for whatever they wanted. It's...
[ Trails off momentarily and sits forward, shoulders hunched uneasily. Scarab's emotions have settled into an uneasy calm, expectant in a way. Ananke's however are roiling with heavy guilt, uncertainty, and a rare sense of selfishness. Saying it all out loud like this, he can't help feeling that he should want to undo everything The Reach have done. This is just one planet; what atrocities have they committed elsewhere?
And yet ]
...I...don't want to undo Scarab. Wishing away everything The Reach have ever done means he might not even be born. Would I even get to remember him if that happened?
[ Pay close enough attention, and Charon might catch the spike of fear and loss Ananke feels just thinking about it. There may be a thousand million other reasons that undoing the actions of a race of overlords that have been in galactic politics for 10,000 years might be a little problematic, but his priorities have to start somewhere ]
Re: Charon: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
he's worried about them. he's proud of them. that's a big decision to make, whether one is a high school student or an ancient little sentient war machine.]
So don't. If you don't want him to leave, then hold on to him. There are a hundred ways to get what you want here, without subjecting yourself to that sort of loss.
It's a big wish. I'll do everything I can to help you fulfill it -- I know the rest of Lily would, too.
Re: Charon: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
I knew you would, but it's good to hear you say it out loud.
Re: Charon: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
[a promise? perhaps.]
Re: Charon: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
[ The feeling is also warm and fuzzy. He's known this since Charon's dedication to Lily was slammed into his brain back during Percyquest, but the verbal reminder pulls a swell of fondness out of him; the feeling of being secure and safe, comforted, and of wanting to return those feelings ]
Re: Charon: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
just kinda puts an arm around the two of them and tugs Scaranke into his side, firmly. kinda resisting the urge to mess up Ananke's hair]
Re: Charon: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
You shouldn't be surprised. You don't give that much to people and get nothing in return.
Re: Charon: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
[soft]
I've worried it isn't enough. With all the departures, and the Lady Demon so casually breaking and changing our connections. It's been a little easier again lately, though.
Re: Charon: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
It's...been bad for a while. Not just 'cause of her and the, uh, "departures". It hasn't been that long since the wolf attack, or even since Pandora. ...but all that stuff happened to you too. You and Lethe have been dealing with so much, and there's barely enough time in between everything happening to actually recover.
[ Takes a breath. The uncomfortable ache sinks out of reach again, and his default steady calm begins to emerge again, a few faint notes of hope threading through it ]
So...I dunno. I appreciate everything you and Lethe do. I know it's your best, and you're right anyway. It has been a little better lately. Aside from Acheron, the past couple of days have been decent. Even this ritual's been good for getting my mind off of things.
[ And onto other peoples' problems ]
Re: Charon: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
It's easier when it feels like you're doing something to help in a quiet moment instead of scrambling over being jerked around over and over, isn't it?
You weren't here when . . . I didn't trust Lily enough to rely properly on most of them, in the beginning. I got a lot of talking-to, over that, but it also became clear I was exacerbating that exact problem if I kept doing that. Because we'd all take the consequences, on top of what this place does to us all, and they wouldn't even know why.
Re: Charon: Day 69; emotionshare ritual
I have a hard time picturing that version of you... If you started acting like that now, I'd think a demon had replaced you to mess with us.